Family – Page 8

Wow, I am sorry it has been a long time since my last post!

We have a lot going on in the months of April and May. A graduation to prepare for and … you have to keep reading to find out what other milestone is happening with the Birden’s. 🙂

“Why is he leaving me”?

I have found myself saying this a lot. I am taking it very personally as many mothers probably do. I can’t be the only one right! It took me some real reflection to accept that he is not actually leaving me. He is growing up and finding his own way in this world. But he is one of my babies all grown up and the first one to leave home. He is not just moving down the street or to the next town. He is moving to another state, 1350 miles away! I know I am certainly not the first mother to feel the pain of your child leaving home for the first time and I won’t be the last.

When I think about him leaving, the feeling of loss is overwhelming. I can only imagine what it will be like when he actually is gone. It’s hard, I want to be supportive of his choice to move away. I want him to feel good and confident on this move and me not supporting only could result in bad feelings. He is such a smart, funny, well-rounded young man and I know he is going to do well. But ugh I am a little, just a wee bit emotional about it all. 🙂

I remember when our children were little and I would think about this inevitable day. Ha! I thought then that hey, it will be great, I will have done my job and I will be ready to release them into the world. Whoa boy was I naive, it’s not easy. I remember crying when my oldest graduated from High School, thinking “no I am not ready for him to grow up”! But I have been able to have them home through their college years, maybe longer than some mothers have had, but finally it’s that time! So how am I going to deal? How will that void be filled? Well really it won’t be filled but I have found some advice on how I can cope successfully. Hopefully right!

It’s normal to feel very emotional. Whew! Cry when you need to cry but also give yourself a pat on the back for a job well done!
Understand motherhood is an evolution. You won’t stop being a mother to your child, you will just do it at a distance and in a different way.
Remember your child isn’t moving away from you, he/she is moving toward their own life.
To help ease the transition of not physically seeing your child. Technology is amazing today, so Skype, FaceTime is a great way to see your child as you communicate.

Our home will always be open to any of our children if they need to come back. I had to move back home during college so I know it happens. I am determined to be supportive and be his cheerleader as he moves into this next phase of his life. He knows we are sad to see him go, but he also knows we love him and support him in this move. He has his own normal emotions he is dealing with, excitement for his new adventure but sadness about leaving his family and friends. He is not moving to somewhere he has never been, he was raised for a large part of his life in Oregon. He will have family and friends there too.

So although I am sad at seeing this funny, loving little boy who has grown to a very funny, loving, intelligent young man leave home. I am also excited for his new adventure!

“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new”
– Dan Millman

This last year and a half has been somewhat of a rude awakening. I think I have been a little bit in a dream land. What I mean is I didn’t really realize I may have a limited time left with my parents. I was taking for granted the fact that they have been here and relatively healthy, not really believing or wanting to believe someday they might not be in good health or worse not even be here.

What brought me into reality? It was like a slap into reality really! The news that no child, brother, sister, parent, aunt, uncle, friend…pretty much no one wants to get. Cancer…my Dad has cancer. He actually had cancer years ago, prostate cancer and they took care of it with a prostatectomy. I have to say I kind of expected one day that my dad would be diagnosed with cancer. You see my Dad has a lot of cancer in his family. His father and three sisters all had cancer, three of those four died of it. So when my Dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer, I thought “okay, this is going to be Dad’s cancer”. He had the surgery and went back for all his subsequent tests and it was gone. We were elated to say the least. The worst was done. He hasn’t had any problems with the prostate cancer since that time and still doesn’t.

Unfortunately the prostate cancer was not “Dad’s cancer”. He has a new and entirely different cancer, its far worse… stage 4 lung cancer. Just writing that makes me want to cry. Stage 4, no cure, just containment… I know there are a lot of you out there that can relate to this.

The space of time since my Dad was diagnosed in August of 2013 has been painful to say the least. My Dad has always been the strong one. I know most children feel their father is tough. But I am telling you this man was tough. He has been like a tree rooted deep in the ground when the storm is raging trying to tip him over. He has been the one keeping his own siblings together when they went through the loss of parents and siblings. He is a strong advocate of family. No matter what the issue, you work through it and keep the family close. That’s one of the many things I love about him. But watching this strong man deteriorate physically and see his own emotional struggle with the future has been heart wrenching. My Dad has been the voice of reason, the parent I came to when I needed some strength. I only found this side of my Dad later in my own adult life, although it’s been there all along, I just never realized it. I have always been close to my Mom and have pretty much gone to my Mother for everything so it has been a bonus to finally have that close relationship with my Father too. Fathers can be the voice of reason when your emotions are trying to rule your actions. I do believe men have this quality, my own husband is much like my Father in that way.

This new chapter in our life has been the rude awakening I talked about. It’s made me more aware of how time is precious and I need to take every opportunity to spend as much time as possible with my family, especially with my Dad and Mom. My parents live in Oregon, so I have to plan my trips in advance. I can’t just up and drive to see them like I used to when I lived in Oregon, only 2 hours away from them. I really enjoy my visits home. We spend quality time together, sometimes just sitting in the same room reading etc… It’s nice. It’s an added bonus that I am able to see my younger sister, her family & my younger brother on these trips home.

I encourage all of you to not take for granted the time left with your loved ones. Take the time now to spend with them. I am thankful my Dad is still here and no matter how much time is left with my parents, I will try very hard to not waste one precious moment of it.