The 3 C’s of a Loving, Lasting, Happy Marriage: Communication

Raina Birden2 Comments

The three C’s of a loving, lasting, happy marriage; commitment, communication, and consistency.

couple tell to love character illustration

Communication is huge in a loving, lasting and happy marriage. Good communication helps a husband and wife trust each other completely and have a strong marriage. Communication unites a couple and makes their love grow.

Why is it hard for a couple to communicate and to communicate well? People are imperfect and have different personalities. We come from different cultures, backgrounds and we are all raised differently. These reasons can contribute to different ways of communicating. Since this is the case, we have to be willing to work very hard if we want to communicate well and have a lasting marriage.

Men and women communicate in different ways. Most women like to talk about their feelings, people and their relationships. Men on the other hand, and not all men, of course, don’t like to talk about feelings. Men like to solve problems!  So often they talk about a problem and what they think the solutions should be. Women like to know they are being heard; they want their mate to listen, and they desire to be understood.  A loving husband will listen and let his wife know she is important. What she thinks and feels is a priority to him. A woman needs to do the same for her husband. I am not saying this is easy, but it sure works out to our advantage when we work hard to do this.

Timing: There are good times and bad times to communicate difficult subjects. When a wife or husband is overwhelmed with work or other responsibilities, it is preferable to wait for a better time. In the early days of our marriage, I had not learned this. I chose the wrong times to bring up a touchy subject or a bad time to be upset. I have to smile because a lot of those times were on game day! It took me a few years to realize that my husband was stressed and needed to think about the game and not about the sometimes silly things I was upset about.  My husband would say, “I don’t need this right now. I have to focus on playing in an NFL game in front of thousands of people. Can we discuss this later?” Granted there may be subjects that can’t wait, but that was not the case early in our marriage.

We know a good marriage takes hard work, and that work pays off in a happy couple. Learn to talk about your thoughts and feelings in an honest way. Each person in the relationship needs to have love, respect and be humble. These will help when there are problems in a marriage that need to be worked out.

Speaking respectfully is key to good communication. Even in the heat of anger, we can use kind words with each other. Yes, it can be hard, but it is so worthwhile. A good sense of humor helps when times are stressful too. Egos are best left out of the marriage, being able to say “I’m sorry” is just as, if not more important than “I love you.”  When one or both mates are prideful, that makes it very hard to have good communication. Making excuses for what we have done or blaming the other person solves nothing! Besides these things I have also learned after many years of marriage and growing together we have found that it is best to not “Let the sun set with you in a provoked state…”  We work hard to solve our issues before we fall asleep. I remember horrible nights of sleep or actually no sleep early in our marriage when we were not following this. Also, don’t try to solve heated issues until you have had time to calm down. That will help you come together in a kind loving way to solve problems quickly and peacefully.

It takes time and practice to change poor communication in your relationship. But with hard work and patience you can.

 

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
– George Bernard Shaw

 

What is life like after the NFL?

Raina Birden7 Comments

I know this next blog is supposed to be the next in the series “The 3 C’s of a loving, lasting happy marriage” But, I recently read one of my fellow Sisters in Sports posts on our Facebook page that made my heart ache. She wrote about the personal struggles she is going through watching and living the after effects of her husband’s football career. Other spouses have already lost their husbands due to CTE.

 

CHARGERS V CHIEFS
9 Oct 1994: KANSAS CITY WIDE RECEIVER J.J. BIRDEN #88 IS TACKLED BY SAN DIEGO CORNER BACK DWAYNE HARPER #28 DURING THE FIRST HALF OF THEIR MATCHUP AT JACK MURPHY STADIUM IN SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA. SAN DIEGO WON THE GAME, 20-6.

 

The struggle is real! I have spoken to a few spouses that are going through the same thing, and I have seen some of the effects on their husbands in the short time we were all together for Alumni weekend. I am also aware of the effects on my husband. It might be hard for you to relate if you didn’t play football or some other high impact sport. As a spouse I obviously didn’t play the game, and I didn’t play any impact sports, but I have been married for 25 years to a man that played nine years in the NFL and played in college and high school, about 17 years total playing football. That’s 17 years of getting knocked around and experiencing concussions. I don’t even think you can have an idea unless you have played the game or watched your partner in life go through it. The movie “Concussion” gives a glimpse of what these players and families struggle with. It was a powerful message and so heart wrenching at the same time.

It saddens me and makes me so angry that a multi-billion dollar organization does not help these former players and their families who put in years of hard work to play for them. The families of the alumni are struggling, emotionally, and financially. When husbands are affected by concussions or other physical trauma from the game, there are repercussions. These former players can suffer major depression, outbursts, forgetfulness, anger, isolation, mishandling money, attention issues, short-term memory, difficulty performing daily tasks, having a feeling of mental slowness, difficulty making decisions or processing a lot of information, trouble resolving problems. These things can put a strain on the marriage. (Information on concussion long term effects: Weil Cornell Medical College, Medical News Today)

I believe there is so much more the NFL could be doing to support, to help the players and their families. For instance, health coverage for the former player would be amazing. As many of you know, it is a nightmare acquiring and paying for healthcare. For many years there when we would apply for insurance, the insurance company would refuse to cover pre-existing conditions that my husband had from Football. Even if they are now covered, high deductibles and premiums are financially straining. Not to mention the cost when they have to have an operation for an injury that resulted from years on the field. I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but I know what I hear and what I see. It’s horrible! There is not enough being done period.

Some will say “they knew what they were getting into.” Those who make those types of comments don’t have all the facts. I asked my husband if he had known that he could damage his brain resulting in CTE from the physical impact of the game, would he have played. His answer was “No! I knew there was always a risk of breaking a bone, tearing a ligament. But I was never aware of the long-lasting potential of brain damage. When I think about it, most of the collisions we experienced as players weren’t just in the games, it was in the practices.” Sure there is education now, and now players can choose for themselves whether to take the risks. It’s no mystery as to why so many are retiring now from the NFL while in their prime. Unfortunately, the players before CTE was discovered and made public didn’t have the information that current athletes have.

I know football is not the only sport that has issues of concussions and physical trauma to the body, but football is what I know about. I can only freely talk about my experiences. This is an emotional subject for a lot of us. As my fellow sister so sadly said, “just knowing this will never end, is not the light at the end of the tunnel.” She is right, there doesn’t seem to be light. Keana McMahon whose husband, Justin Strzelczyk, death was related to CTE was quoted in an article talking about other spouses who have poured their hearts out to her. She said “There’s no hope to give them, and that’s a hard thing to say to somebody. There’s no hope. He will probably end up dead and you need to protect yourself is all I can say.” Meaning the damage that is done to the brain has not been found to be reversible. Therefore, those players will have to suffer from the effects of playing a game they loved.

“Today I will do what others won’t, so tomorrow I can accomplish what others can’t” 
― Jerry Rice